in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
