i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
