if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
