apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
