Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
