So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
