Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
