Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
