Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
