You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
