Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
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