I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
