I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
