Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
