What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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