well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
