Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
