I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
