Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
