Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
