he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
