i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
