Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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