Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why did my mother make you get naked?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
