need another drink. this is the easiest way
You can't motorboat a personality
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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