Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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