yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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