i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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