feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
