He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
