By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
