i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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