It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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