Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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