My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
