I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
