Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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