I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
