I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My vagina just clenched in fear
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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