I am in a vortex of obligation.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
