hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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