weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
