I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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