You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
