He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
