Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
