His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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