just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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