Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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