I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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